You Can't Make Me...

I recently saw in my memories on Facebook a quote saying "People won't always remember what you said but they'll always remember how you made them FEEL"

In the same day I go to read my al-anon daily reader - something I pick up every once in a while when I'm struggling with relationships - and it says "Nobody can make me feel anything without my consent".

That's powerful.

While considering both perspectives, remember that I work in the beauty industry. Where I meet people that sometimes put a high value on what they look like and how that makes them feel. Maybe it's not the main priority for most people but you get your hair done because it makes you feel good on some level, right?

I'll never forget the clients that have sat down in my chair and we had a thorough consultation, agreed on everything, I slayed it and had amazing results almost exactly as the photos. Then here it comes. A spin around in the chair to see a half smile. She puts her fingertips through the top layer of her hair trying to fluff it up to see if she could see a better angle. She turns her head side to side with that half smile turning into more of a frown. Then she begins to point out all the flaws and the things I didn't do right.

These are the times where I have to wave my white flag. No matter how perfect I do my job, my work is not going to fix what is broken inside of her.

Is this a coincidence? That I see these two contradictory quotes in the same morning? Probably not.

I believe this is a clear sign telling me about balance. When I read these I was like "Hey Lindsey, don't give permission to unkind people to steal your joy. Stay in your lane, keep your eyes focused on what matters most, and just be kind"

In my family we use this a lot. For example, saying something like "you make me feel so unappreciated" is much different than saying "when you do that I feel unappreciated and I'm working on that (allowing your actions to influence what I feel)". Sometimes that simple change in wording can avoid a whole argument and open the floodgates to a better understanding in your relationship with a person. It opens the conversation and maybe the other party would say something like "wow I never knew that's how you felt, please know that is not what I am saying" and you would have otherwise never known this.

So this gets better... I have about 30 unread titles on my audible with about 9 unused credits but I can't cancel my membership because I'll lose the credits even though I have several unread.. it's just a little bonkers! One of my favorite author's to listen to is Brene Brown and I just finished her book "Daring Leadership" and she talks about the stories we tell ourselves. We create these stories or "conspiracy theories" in our heads and they can really get out of hand if we let them. It's like taking the example above and going like this: "He makes me feel so unappreciated! He probably doesn't even like me anymore because if he did he would just show it. Maybe he's seeing someone else? Maybe I'll check his email after he goes to bed"

See.... that went South real quick!

If we could stop and FEEL before we speak. I know that is not common advice because we are taught to think before we speak.

But what if we went one step deeper?

What would your relationships be like if you could stop, FEEL, think, then speak?

I think the message here is that even though I have so many beautiful and rewarding days in my career that inspire me to be an artist it's pretty clear to me that my power behind the chair is limited. I can only make a person FEEL beautiful in that moment. I do think that it's powerful and rewarding to turn the chair and see the confidence light up a young woman's face in that moment but that's just what I'm saying. It's fleeting. Just as much as I can't make someone feel sad, lonely, happy, forgiveness, confidence, love, and the list goes on... I have to choose those feelings for myself. I also need to choose when I need to have hard conversations about those feelings, not allow someone's words to dictate my own happiness, and learn how to feel through it so I can become a better me.

At the end of the day you are still you. All of the broken, beautiful, parts of you. Even when your outward appearance is gorgeous it doesn't hold a candle to what you are actually feeling inside.

That is something I can't MAKE you FEEL.

Dig deep. What or who has permission to make you feel a certain kind of way that you need to take back?